Excerpt: Bet You Didn't Think MS Could Look This Good, Ramblings of a Medicated Mind by Lisa A. Baeringer
Title: Bet You Didn't Think MS Could Look This Good, Ramblings of a Medicated Mind
Author: Lisa A. Baeringer
Purchasing link: http://amzn.to/2jfyD6V
About the book:
Lisa had a good life; married to her high school sweetheart, two handsome sons, and a nice home. Quite literally, in the blink of an eye, her whole world turned upside down. Sickness began to not only ravage her body, but also her world. In her own words, taken from her private journal, she takes you through what daily life is like when you have a seriously incurable, chronic illness. It gets even more complicated when the illness she was told she had turns out to be something else, something rare and possibly even fatal.
IS THIS WHAT DYING FEELS LIKE?
I’m taken to my room and am thankful it’s a single unit so I don’t have to share it with another person. I am utterly exhausted so I quickly fall asleep after changing into the customary hospital apparel. I believe it is night time but I can’t be sure because there aren’t any windows in my room. I don’t even bother to find out the time. Periodically, the nurse comes in to check on my vitals. She also checks the I.V. drip since they are still pumping fluids into me. I barely open my eyes while she’s taking my blood pressure. I fearfully whisper to her, “Why can’t I stay awake. Am I dying?”
She responds in a pleasant voice, “No sweetie. You’re just really weak from all the vomiting. You get some rest.”
I close my eyes and wrap myself in the thin scratchy covers. I begin to wonder to myself is this what dying feels like? Will I never see my boys again? Will I never get to feel Chrissy’s arms around me again? Tears start to trickle down my cheeks even though my eyes are closed. I picture how upset the boys would be without their mother being there for them. I whisper to myself, “Please God! Don’t let me die! My boys need me. Chrissy needs me. Please help me, I beg of you, please!”
At this moment I feel a gentle and reassuring caress on the top of my head. You know, the kind your mom use to do when you were a kid and were either sick or sad. It felt like that, a hand gently running down my hair on the top of my head. I barely had the strength to turn around but I do because I want to see who is there. Nobody. It’s just the regular hospital supplies and equipment. I’m not even freaked out by this experience because the touch was so comforting. Could it be an angel telling me it will all turn out fine? Perhaps my grandparents or Chris’ grandmother who are deceased are letting me know they are with me? I’m too tired to even think about it anymore.
I become afraid to close my eyes again because I feel like perhaps I won’t wake up. I fought the sleep off as long as I could and try to keep my heavy eyelids from closing. But as reluctant as I am I begin to slowly drift off. Right before I enter that restful and much needed slumber I come to terms that if this is the end of me I am ok with that. Honestly, in those few moments one has before death, it feels so peaceful, pleasant, and relieving. You feel like you just completely understand everything of the world all at once instantaneously. It’s as if you are granted God’s wisdom during those few moments between life and death. I only speak of this so personally because I experienced those glorious moments between life and death and lived to speak of them. I realize everyone is scared of dying because they feel like it’s the ultimate end. They’ll no longer be around in this world and their family. They don’t know or either don’t believe that there is actually something after their lives end in this world. I can tell you from my own experience that there is something more out there than just this life. Everyone might believe in their own version but no matter what that is I do know that this life is just a temporary stop along the road. Also, if that’s what those few moments feel like right before you die then I’m actually comforted and it eases my fear of dying a tad.
I wake up to noise and chatter in the hallways. I think it must be morning now because everything is lit up more brightly and it seems busier with all the nurses and employees passing by in the halls. My initial reaction is regret. I came to terms with death and was prepared for it. I actually welcomed and invited it. It was a solace to my torment. I guess it just wasn’t my time to go.